I’m Just Plain Tired Of Diabetes
Most days, I live peacefully with diabetes. Today, I hate it. As I struggle yet again to deal with it, hope for the numbers I want and don’t get, I realize with some sadness that I have little control. My numbers are always on the border. Never much higher, but never lower either. I feel like I’m working hard to get the numbers, but I never seem to be in target. I know that I am doing what I need to right now but it just seems so hard.
Tired of type 2 diabetes
To be honest, I’m tired. Tired of being ‘good.’ Tired of feeling like I can never keep up to what my body wants to do. Tired of reading about all the 'amazing' results people are getting with what appear to be new ways of dealing with diabetes. Tired of being told what the magic pill is to fix me. Tired of finger pokes. Tired of having sensors fail. Tired of worrying about complications. Tired of going for blood work. Tired of hoping for a better result each time I go for blood work. Tired of kicking myself when I can’t make the grade I hoped for. Tired of turning to food when I’m feeling down. Tired of feeling guilty because it’s pouring rain out again for the 5th day and I’m getting no exercise. Just plain tired.
Right now, I’m on the highest dose of two medications for diabetes. That worries me a bit, more than a bit. I still fear insulin. Irrational I know, but I can’t seem to let go of that one. Where do we go from here? I haven’t had that discussion with my family doctor or endocrinologist yet. We are both hoping this will be part of the solution, at least for now. I have always turned to food when I am stressed and tired to the point of exhaustion. I know that cheating my nutrition does not help the situation but old habits die hard. Again, I’m tired of always having to think about diabetes.
My weight keeps me going
What I 'hang on' to when I am this tired is my weight. That is the only thing that keeps me motivated. I’m 5’8”. At one point in my life I weighed 230 lbs. Okay, it was longer than a point, it was a couple (or more) of years. That was prior to my diagnosis. I had lost a couple of pounds just before I found out I had diabetes but the weight loss was minimal. I also had an intense dislike of my scale back then. I had been known in the privacy of my own space to tell my scale where to go and how to get there in rather colourful language. Good thing I was alone. Today I weigh 163 lbs, still a bit higher than I’d like but, hey, I’ve lost almost 70 lbs and kept it off. As much as I hate my scale, it does appear to be my lifeline because I fear going back to that weight. Even with how tired I always seem to be, I never seem to be too tired to step on the scale.
Most times I can pull myself out of this funk. I’m struggling this time. I know there is a solution but I’m even too tired to think about what that may be right now.
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