Personifying My Diabetes: Bett, The Unwanted

Today I have personified my diabetes. It is a person. I’ll call this person ‘Bett’ for short. Bett often brings me down, leads me to feel bad about myself. What people see on the outside, is not often what I feel on the inside. It’s not self-pity. It’s that Bett is unwelcome and unwanted in my life.

Type 2 diabetes personified: Meet Bett

They say when you meet a person, your first impression is often the one that sticks with you, be it good or bad. When I first met Bett, I was frightened. Bett was bigger than I was. I didn’t know how this person landed on my doorstep, uninvited into my life. I was pregnant and scared of this new person. It was an intrusion. With time, I grudgingly decided Bett was ok but I’d be glad when the visit was over. Bett had been with me for 8 weeks. Even my family doesn’t stay that long! We parted ways, and I went on with my life. I had a hubby, a toddler, and now a new baby to keep me busy.

Getting reacquainted with Bett

Roughly 10 years later, Bett and I ran into each other. Again, I felt some fear when we met. Bett seemed even bigger this time. Quickly, I got the distinct impression Bett was never going to leave. Well, you can’t choose your neighbors. Bett was no neighbor. No no no. Bett moved in. Into my house, into my life. I wasn’t happy about it either. I b**ched and complained a lot but eventually, I decided I better make the best of it. At first, I was tolerant. My life, my home, my rules. My life, yes. My home, yes. My rules...nope.

Fighting for control

I found I didn’t have much control over this new live-in. So the negotiation began. Bett wanted me to eat healthier because, well, it's a good idea. But Bett was demanding. Bett wasn't happy with just good food. Bett wanted good food and exercise. I tried many different types of exercise; gym memberships, exercise equipment for the home, etc., but still Bett was not pleased. I put my foot down, or should I say forward, and started walking. Family members came with me, which was great. It allowed me to escape Bett for a bit even if it was just for an hour. Bett also wanted me to report test results. I had to relearn how to do that, and I did. Bett was pleased. We lived in harmony, most of the time, for about the next 8 years.

Losing control

Then Bett became the live-in from h*ll. Bett decided nothing I was doing was right or even okay. Bett was taking control. It wasn't in a good way either. The next number of years were fraught with anxiety, tears, fear, hope, anger, hope dashed, and maybe if I’m honest, a bit of depression (not diagnosed). Life was very busy and very complicated during those times. I wanted Bett to leave me alone. To get out of my life. To disappear forever. But Bett was here to stay.

Hoping for separation

Then came the false hope. I can ‘reverse’ Bett being in my life. But to the best of my current knowledge and life experience, I can’t ‘unmeet’ Bett. I can't reverse that meeting. I really wish I could go back in history and change it. But I can’t.

The best I could hope for now is a separation. I want to move Bett to a hotel. Get Bett out of my house. I did for a while. I realize I will never be able to make Bett disappear forever, but I can keep her at the hotel indefinitely. When she comes knocking at the door, I don’t have to let her in. If she manages to step through my doorway again, I may be able to boot her out again. At least that’s my ongoing hope.

Continuing the fight

Sounds crazy, huh? Personifying my diabetes...but this speaks to where my thoughts are many times more than I want to admit. I don't like having diabetes. I don’t like the control diabetes has over me. But unfortunately despite my best efforts, my best lifestyle, my best eating choices, I may never have the full control my diabetes has. I will tell you this though - I will fight the thoughts in my head and still try to do my best.